Communication

If one of your major stressors involves challenging relationships with family members or coworkers, chances are that if you improve your communication skills, you will improve those relationships, and reduce your stress load. Here are some effective communication techniques to try.

Active Listening

When you are having a conversation, give 100 percent of your attention to the person talking. If you cannot give 100 percent, schedule the conversation for a time when you can. (You can say, "I would really like to give this conversation 100 percent of my attention, but I have to finish this report first. Can we have this conversation in an hour?")

Make eye contact with the person talking. Don't interrupt or finish sentences. Avoid shrugging your shoulders, rolling your eyes, crossing your arms defensively, or engaging in other nonverbal cues that indicate you are tuning out. Repeat, paraphrase, or ask questions to clarify what the person has said.

Break Down Stereotypes

All of us, at one time or another, stereotype people we encounter. Oh, she's the complainer. He's Mr. Negative. Here comes the Drama Queen (everything's a crisis). Roll out the red carpet for Mr. Full-of-Himself.

When we have preconceived ideas about a person, we tend to interact with them through a ready-made filter. We expect them to say certain things. We expect them to respond a certain way. We preplan our interaction accordingly.

Try to break down your stereotypes of the people with whom you have communication challenges. See if you can listen to the person as if you were meeting him or her for the first time. Be open to the idea that you can have successful interactions with the person. In fact, envision it!

Be Assertive, Not  Passive, Not Aggressive

There are three common communication styles: assertive, passive, and aggressive. Take a look at some of the attributes of each style. Do you know which style is typical of you?

Regardless of the communication style you have been using all of your life, you can learn to be more assertive. Assertive communication is less stress-producing than passive or aggressive communication. When you are assertive, you are asking for what you need or want, while being respectful of other people's rights. For example, imagine you are at a restaurant, and you order a grilled cheese sandwich. When the sandwich arrives,  you notice it is burned, and you do not like burned grilled cheese sandwiches. What would you do? An assertive person would courteously return the sandwich and ask the server for an unburned replacement. A passive person would not want to make a "fuss," and would try to eat the parts of the sandwich that were edible, but would remain hungry and angry. An aggressive person might yell at the server, blaming him or her for bringing the substandard sandwich to the table.

If you want to be more assertive, try the following:

1. Make direct eye contact with the person to whom you are speaking.

2. Have an open posture (stand erect, don't cross arms, etc.).

3. Speak clearly, audibly, firmly, and honestly. (This may take some practice.) Use "I" statements. For example, "I would prefer a sandwich that is not burned. I would appreciate it if you would take this one back to the kitchen and ask the cook to make me another."

4. Do not apologize for your request or assertion. Do not say statements as if they were questions (with the intonation rising at the end). If you feel guilty, remember that it's perfectly OK for you to ask for what you want in a non-aggressive way.

Practice being assertive in the following fictional scenarios. What would you do? What would you say?

• You buy an expensive shirt at a fancy department store. The first day you wear it, the stitching unravels and the hem falls loose. You are angry because the shirt cost a lot of money and you expected better quality. What do you do?

• One of your friends calls at the last minute and tells you her regular baby-sitter is sick. She asks if you can baby-sit for her toddler. You were just heading out the door to go to a movie. You do not want to baby-sit. You want to go to the movie, as planned. What do you do?

• Relatives are dining at your house for Thanksgiving. You have a smoke-free policy at your home. One relative lights up a cigar after dinner. How do you handle it?

Changing your communication style will not happen overnight. It takes a lot of practice. To reinforce new communication approaches or to learn even more approaches, read a book on being assertive, listen to audio-tapes, or take an assertiveness training course. Also, study people you admire. Learn how they communicate effectively with others.

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